Lost Bible Readings

Jesus said to his disciples:

My friends... this loin cloth is itchy

Doesn't anybody have some red meat? I am frigging sick of all this fish.

Why do we continue to wear sandals in the desert? I would sacrifice one of you for a sneaker.

Doesn't anybody know any chicks? People are starting to spread rumors about us.

I give you peace, my peace I give you, I have some peace and of that peace I hereby bequeath a lot of it, so basically ya know, what I am saying is ya know... peace.

Tomb party this weekend?

I tell you, I slept like a dead man this weekend.

I think this "peace" thing is going to be really popular in one thousand nine hundred and sixty years.

I feel like this whole carpentry profession is going to come back to haunt me.

Ok OK, how about, instead of my disciples we call you... the hipsters of Nazareth. No? What about the desert bohemians?

What's with all the wine? I would love a beer.

Red wine and fish? This doesn't go at all!

Does anybody know a good shroud cleaner?

-RTB

6 Words I Overuse

Creepy
Existential
Dooshbag
Word
Nebulous
Relative

Airplane

"So sometimes, I need to take Dramamine to fall asleep on planes. Well last week coming back from L.A. I wasn’t paying attention and instead of taking 2, I accidentally took 4. So I passed out almost immediately, and from what the lady next to me told me after the flight, I was snoring and kind of drooling down my neck.

When the meal service came, they couldn’t wake me up, so they just put my vegetarian meal I had requested on my tray in front of me. Almost immediately after that we hit some crazy turbulence and on one of the bumps, I bounced forward and my head fell in the “sweet potatoes”. Well not my whole head, more like the side of my face, actually it was just my ear. But I didn’t wake up!

But those meals are so damn hot because they microwave them for like 5 minutes. I’m surprised I didn’t get 3rd degree burns! So when I woke 2 hours later up my ear was covered in cold sweet potatoes, I had dried drool all down my neck, and everyone in my row was laughing at me. The lady next to me told me that everyone had been referring to me as tater face. I could have cried."

-RTB, Written for a friend's theater audition

If You Are Having a Bad Day...

Just misspell my name and everything gets better.


http://www.boehmke.com/


-Sent courtesy of Mary Solecki

The Chihua-ha

"So I'm standing in the middle of my room with a flaming umbrella in my right hand, and a crazy Chihuahua that i don't own in the left. I can't let go of either to take care of the other.

So I started kind of swinging the umbrella ya know? Hoping it would just blow out. But I hit the Chihuahua in the face and I knocked him out of my hand. He just went limp and fell INTO my purse. My GUCCI purse! I paid 400 dollars for that purse.

So now there is a Chihuahua, an unconscious Chihuahua in my 400 dollar purse. I mean I'm pretty sure he was unconscious and not dead because it was only one of these mini umbrellas ya know? But now I had a free hand, and the umbrella was still on fire, so I ran into the bathroom and threw my torch in the toilet.

After that I just sat down and cried for like 20 minutes before I remembered the Chihuahua was still in my purse! So I ran back into my room and the the Chihuahua AND my purse were gone. Oh my god I was so pissed, that damn dog hadn't died, and the son of a bitch had stolen my purse!"

-RTB, Written for a friend's theater audition